My Landlord, The Moron

We have just been given our new lease. It's boring, because it's a legal document. However, along with the lease we have been provided with some fire safety information. This I feel I should share. It's important that people know - I wouldn't want to be responsible for anyone burning to death. So, here's a few of the choice "Risks of Fire" that my landlord thought we ought to know about.

This is all completely genuine. I am not making any of it up, just copying directly from the document.

Smoking: If possible, do not smoke inside especially if you are drunk or on drugs. Do not smoke in bed and make sure your cigarette is properly extinguished before you go to sleep.

Candles: Keep candles away from flammable surfaces such as curtains, TV sets or bath tubs and NEVER leave them unattended. Always extinguish them properly before going to sleep.

Doors: Keep ALL doors closed at all times.

Wow, I never knew doors could be so dangerous. I'd best make sure never to open them, in case they burst into flames. I suppose that means I'll just have to stay in my room forever now.