Sunday, June 21, 2009


A little over a month ago I was appointed President of PhySoc (the Glasgow Uni physics society). Naturally enough I was most pleased, and have decided to set about abusing my powers as soon as possible.

So far, among other things, it has been agreed that the title "President" will be changed to "Empress." I'm happy with this, but it does make me think I ought to start and "empire" of sorts. Control of a single society may not be enough. I intend to start by controlling AstroSoc (the astronomy) from the inside, until such as point as they are ready to call me their leader.

So, I have made sure everyone on their board agrees with me on important points, and I have appointed Martin the position of AstroSoc Rep within my board. Although, clearly a better title would be AstroSoc spy. If there was anything interesting to spy on them for.

I can only be president for one year, which alarms me. So once the year is through I intend to give someone else (of my choosing, none of this silly voting business) the title of "President." I shall continue as Empress, simply telling people that it's a largely meaningless role, and that I'm really just there to help out.

Of course, the "President" will be nothing more than a puppet, happy to do exactly what I suggest.

We are currently working on a greeting that makes me look slightly less like Hitler, and a"goodbye" that makes me look slightly less like a trekkie. But, you know what, I'm working with physicists here, these problems were always bound to show up.

In addition to this, I've decided that I get 10 votes for each member of my committee, and I'm going to install a lion pit in the Kelvin Building (to throw people who irritate me into).

I'd make an excellent dictator. I've even told you my evil plans before I'm certain there's no way you'll survive. They'll make a Hollywood movie about me one day, but only if I give them permission to do so.

Friday, June 12, 2009


There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who feel the need to lick their finger before turning a page, and those who do not. I suppose technically there's people who believe that there's two kinds of people, and people who actually know there are many more. There's also people who smell their clothes before putting them on, and those who already know all the clothes in their wardrobes are clean. I don't know where these groups intersect.

When I turn a page, I do not first lick my finger. I wash my hands regularly, I have a keen knowledge of where my hands have been, and yet I still do not lick my finger. I have always found that the pages turn without that being necessary. I cannot help considering it "icky" to have saliva on the pages of anything I'm going to read.

Mum is a licker, dad is not a licker. They should have known from the start that it would only end in tears.

I do not judge lickers. There's nothing necessarily wrong with being a licker. Some of my best friends are liquors. So long as you don't want me to handle your document after it's been moistened that's just fine.

It's also important to note that some things are OK to lick. Envelopes are fine, so are stamps, lollipops, and the tops from yogurt pots. It's OK to lick your fingers if there's food stuck to them, though, in most cases this should be done with minimum fuss and no seductive gazes at people across from you.
Especially if you're a guy. And/or in your 40s. And/or clinically obese. In which case failure to comply may mean that I'm forced to sterilize you. Sorry, it's the rules.

It's OK to lick salt from your hand before a shot of tequila (another excellent liquor, possibly because it makes other kinds more bearable). Though you should only do so if there's lime wedges handy.

Perhaps I am more of a sucker than a licker. It seems that anything that can be licked is likely to be better sucked. At least that's what I'm told. It's certainly true for the lollipop.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009


It occurred to me that last time I talked about moving out, we were looking for a luxury castle for the three of us. This is no longer the case. We've found a cute flat for four of us, including Archie, the newbie.

After testing him in several ways, we decided he would do, although he did seem slightly timid, we thought we could fix that. Also, he seemed to have no specific music taste, which meant that he probably wouldn't try to play anything dreadful, and if he did, he wouldn't get too upset when we turned it off and played something better.

I feel we've done a rather good job in choosing a new someone suitable, so, because I am kind, I've decided to develop a guide for others. It's a little sketchy at the moment, but my faithful blog-readers may have a sneak preview. I should probably mention that the "sneak preview" is likely to be the only bit that actually gets written, since I'm fair to busy and important to sit around writing nonsense all day. Obviously.

So yeah, that makes you even more special.

Five ways to test a new flat mate:

1. Interview:
It's an obvious choice, though some people get it wrong by going too easy on their candidates. All current flat mates should be present and sit at the opposite side of the table to the prospective newbie. Then ask the meanest questions you can think of. Do not laugh, if they maintain their confidence that you're just joking, even when none of you are laughing, you'll know they're sharp enough.

2. Cake baking:
I'm aware that not all students bother with a cake rota like we do, and as such it may not be quite as essential in other flats. However, even if you don't regularly make cakes (and you probably should) you have to admit that having a new flat mate who can is an advantage.

3. Absorbency.
I'm sure I don't need to explain this.

4. Ability to fight a bear.
The smart person will chose both their weapons, and the bear they wish to fight carefully, since clearly you don't want to look like a coward, but at the same time you'd also rather not be mauled too severely.

5. What would they do if...
This could go in the interview section, but there's some really important questions of this type which people often forget to ask, so I felt it deserved it's own section. Those questions are
-...There was a zombie-velociraptor outbreak?
-...You needed to destroy the population of the world with a genetically modified virus?
-...Vladimir Putin turned out to be your great uncle?

The answers to those questions really will tell you a lot about a person.

So there you go. I urge anyone considering taking in a new flat mate to follow these steps carefully, goodness only knows what kind of person you might end up living with otherwise.