Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Something Awesome

Something wonderful just happened.

I was leaving the Kelvin Building. Imagine, if you will, a corridor with a set of double doors in the middle. I am approaching the doors from one side, four guys approach from the other, the doors are open.

The boys are traveling faster than I, and are closer to the doors to begin with. When they reach the doors however, they stop. Two guys stand at each side, next to each other, and wait for me to pass. One says "hello," I recognise him and return the greeting, then continue on my way.

They pass through the doors. I overhear one of them say "wait... why did we just do that?"

This, my friends, is power. Expect me to grin manically for a little while - I'm plotting how to use it.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


Warning: Mini-rant.

It's a fifteen minute walk from my flat to the physics building at uni. Last time I did it, I noticed something, so I started counting.

It's still only September. It is not OK for me to have been able to count 35 pairs of Ugg boots* teamed with skinny jeans. That's completely out of proportion with the way things should be. Because I was there, I also feel completely justified in saying that everyone wearing this combination was a student. Once upon a time being a "student" implied not only that you had some intelligence, but also some taste. Guess that's not the case any more.

Y'know, I don't even hate Ugg boots. I used to, but now I understand; they're actually exactly the kind of fashion I wanted to start happening. They're not screaming "penetrate me now" as a person slightly more vulgar than I pointed out (doesn't count as being vulgar if you're quoting), but they're also not completely hideous. They actually score neutral on the aesthetics front.

This matters little by itself. Clogs score neutral for goodness sake, but that doesn't make people pay over £100 a pair for them, nor does it make them wear them incessantly, nor does it make them fashionable. What works for Uggs has to be teamed with the neutral appearance: They are incredibly comfortable. Incidentally, Crocs failed for a different reason - apparently quite comfortable, but completely foul to look at.

This is actually from having worn fake Uggs. Any student who pays for full price Uggs whilst on a normal student budget should not have got onto their course on account of being an idiot.

Back to the thirty-five pairs I saw. It's not acceptable, I won't accept it. So I'll give a guideline for anyone who's too stupid to be sure of what to do. This is, after all, a slightly contradictory rant if you're IQ dropped a few points after that terrible accident. Or if you're a twat.

I won't be a bitch to you (about your Ugg boot - skinny jean combo) if you don't wear them until October 20th. Yes, even if you're living in Glasgow - this isn't the god damned North Pole. Get over it. Wear a scarf or something.

If you fail to do this I will not give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you don't have any other shoes. I will instead assume that you are a waste of human flesh that could be put to better use in a Matrix-style pod, providing renewable power for the rest of us.

When I get my degree, I'm totally going to develop those pods.

*This includes a pair of male Uggs, or Muggs as I shall be wittily calling them from now on. Not sure how I feel about Muggs, but it's definitely not a good feeling.

Friday, September 18, 2009


Some things that are true;

1. I have a friend who occasionally talks in his sleep. When he does so, he speaks German. He has never had a German lesson in his life, and I am told that the reason he does this is that he's seen faaaar too many war movies. When asked, he cannot translate what he has said (or often shouted).

2. For GCSE English lit, we studied some poetry. In one piece the poet - who's name I forget - describes being worried that she has lost touch with her mother tongue, and therefor a part of her culture. She becomes happy and relieved when she dreams in Gujarati again. I remember it being mentioned that one cannot consider themselves fluent in a language until they dream in it.

3. I watched Goodbye Lenin last night. It was in German but had English subtitles (thank goodness).

4. I can speak a very small amount of German. I used to be better, but never fluent, just good enough to get by in basic conversation.

5. Last night I dreamed in German. Unfortunately, I did not understand a word of it. Somehow, I don't think this means I'm fluent. I remember "machen sie..." but not what I was told to do, probably because I didn't know what it meant.

Moral: Don't watch German films when you've had too much Baileys.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


Tomorrow I am going to

A) Dance in sky-scraper heels
B) Cornwall
C) Hide the body and the evidence

I will

A) Break my leg
B) Play beach volleyball
C) Get caught and show up in court next week

See you in

A) Leeds infirmary
B) Seven days
C) Three years to life.